The very moment I realized how insane the realtaionship with A., S., and G. was is very clearly defined in my head. A. had been drinking all day, only I didn't know that. She wasn't such an obvious alcoholic that one could smell it on her breath. Nor did she stumble around, slur her words or any dozen of other clues Hollywood has commercialized. None the less A. was drunk. When A. stopped taking his calls, G. drove two hours to talk to her. It was 10 p.m. on a Sunday night. Normal enough the two got into an argument. Then, right before me, A. stripped. She wanted sex and had thought that G.'s obvious anger would translate well into sex between the three of us. As much as I was into the idea of a threesome, sex with G. and a drunk A. was nowhere on my list. The intensity of which A. tried to get G. and I into bed was fascinating to watch. That and that she has quite a beautiful body was the only reason I stayed for the show.
Funny enough, that was not the event over which we stopped talking.
012 - Oh, That Family!
Many years ago I had the misfortune to become friends with a fairweather alcoholic, her son, and - briefly - the alcoholic's lover. What resulted was a three month quandry of confusion, lies, tall tales, misdirection, hour long friendships, anger, and a brief forray into a drug culture shared between the three that left me scratching my head. Did I mention alcohol? Yeah, there was alcohol there, too.
I've been around the reading cards game for a while. Worked the phone lines as a psychic reader. Also worked the phone lines as an 'adult entertainer'. Of the two it was the adult entertainer which gave me the damn panic attacks. Not because it wasn't interesting, or that I couldn't be an adult entertainer well. I could. It was because the huge number of men calling in who wanted the person on the other end to be ten. Or five. *Shudders*
Doing adult entertainment requires a certain mindset. And an understanding that the person on the other line may be your minister, your father, your sister, your great aunt who is indistinguishable in pictures from walruses on the coasts of rocky shores. One looks past that to give them what they want.
Fact is everyone has some input to the sexual-erotic side of their lives. They don't always like to share it, though. Here's where I come in: A person's sexuality forms one of the cornerstones of their personality - whether they admit it or not.
Once someone figures out that I look at a seeker's sexuality as well as everything else, the big requests start rolling in: what does their obsessive crush like in bed? How are they in bed? The thing with the fingers and the licking and. . . how does that rank. Rank? As if Kinsey's research was about establishing a national standard of pleasure. That's not what this is about.
I've been asked lots to perv on people through tarot. Some people I don't forget and I keep looking. Some people ask, and don't like when I do. Some people. . . well, they enjoy looking back.
Card 1: How L'Imperatore Feels About His Life Right Now:
5 of Wands: Obstacle overcome.Dispute for futile reasons.Quarreling couple.
My Thoughts: You might think that this card is L'Imperatore and me. Yeah, I asked him to do the reading, and he agreed (although I think he didn't want to.) And, yeah, I'm pretty bitchy towards him. Mostly it shocked me that this came up. This card isn't about L'Imperatore and me. It's about L'Imperatore and his Mamma. Looks like baby boy may be trying to sever some of the thousands of apron strings she's bound him tight with.
Card 2: What L'Imperatore Wants Most At This Moment:
5 of Swords: Overturn a situation.Confronting risks.
My Thoughts: L'Imperatore is one of the least riskiest people I know. The only place he lives dangerously is the dream world he inhabits. Sorry, no real people allowed. So if he's seriously contemplating being real I'm gonna be in the cheering squad on the sidelines.
Card 3 - L'Imperatore's Fears:
10 of Coins: Changing fortune.Courtship, projects.Material goods are not enough.
My Thoughts: L'Imperatore was never taught to share. He has a real problem with it. He'd have $100 in his pocket and freaks if someone asks for $0.10! Trouble is a selfish, bratty 40+ white man is not as cute throwing a temper tantrum about money as a 6 year old is. He's been struggling with this for years and now that Mamma isn't supporting him as much reality is. . . well, real.
And, yeah, he's learning. Budgeting, watching money, what's a real freakout moment ($20.00 or less in the bank) versus not having enough money to buy forty just released dvd's at one time.
Card 4 - What is Going for L'Imperatore:
Ace of Cups: The woman in the chalice symbolizes desire.But, the physical and spiritual force is not enough for man.
My Thoughts: At first this card did not make any sense to me at all. Then L'Imperatore started talking about the last party his mom threw for him and I realized he's soaking up the 6 year old image. He's getting money and gifts and POWER from having everyone do everything for him.
Clever, clever social camoflauge. Only problem is, he's long started believing the lies he tells, too.
Card 5 - What Is Going Against L'Imperatore:
8 of Coins:Manual skills.Arousal of sensations.
My Thoughts: When you're caught in dream world all the time - addicted to porn on the net, fiction stories, wonder woman and the such, you tend to loose the ability to do certain things in real life. I'm not saying his imagination can't keep up. It can. But the real skills just aren't translating from his head to the bedroom.
Also, so much of his physical life revolves around being coddled to. It smarts when he has to do something in real life.
Card 6 - The Outcome:
2 of Coins: Voluptuous excitement, fun, orgasm.
My Thoughts: I once read for a man whose entire childhood and adult life had the same themes. And no matter how hard he tried to change those themes, the friendships, the people in his life, the benefits sent his way, it all turned out the same for him. At the point I'd read for him he'd been a parapalegic in a chair for three years. How did he go from being an upright, good solid citizen to a crip? Simple: he drove his car into a brick wall on purpose.
L'Imperatore is the exact oppostie. He doesn't want what's going on around him to change what's going on inside him. (Remember: reverse is mental shit.) He likes his dreams, and what he orgasms off of.
You might be asking why I'd offer to do a reading for L'Imperatore if I'd already done an expansion reading off my own personal reading. The difference isn't at all subtle. One is my idea of what is going on in the expansion reading. The other is a direct contact with his own ideas of what is going on. To put it another way. . .
It's this card:
Versus this card:
Essentially, one is pervy porn where you watch from a distance and the other can be better than doing the missionary on a cold winter night in front of the fire place on a bear skin rug. If you're looking for the truth, wheedling about what's true and who's right you're simply going to have to understand 2 things:
1) Right and Truth are relative terms. Which means there is no absolute. This isn't fucken imperical laboratory science, you know.
2) Between what I see and what the reader draws on the cards the truth or what's right is somewhere in the middle.
You've met him already.
As it turns out L'Imperatore was represented in my reading as The Knight of Coin (R). You remember him, the formerly violent man who has given it up for love. Remember? Maybe this will jog your memory:
Some background on the reading I did for him:
1. Did it at a mexican restaurant with one of the staff looking on. It made L'Imperatore uneasy.
2. He's not comfortable with viewing nudity or erotic anything out in the open. He's a closet perv.
3. He totally did not connect with the deck, or the reading.
4. L'Imperatore is also a Tarot reader, or likes to think he is. He once worked professionally as a reader, but gave it up when something more. . . erm . . . non-offensive came along. He still has over 20 decks in his collection. Not that he's used them lately, and maybe never will again.
How This Connects
When I did my personal reading, and the follow up exploratory reading, I was confused at first as to who the Knight of Coin (R) was. The day after I did the readings I told L'Imperatore that he'd come up in the readings. As natural habit I asked if he wanted me to read for him.
He Said Yes
I think, though, he really wanted to say no. But such is the psychologically castrated nature of L'Imperatore. Momma controls it all, even the things he says, even though he's not lived with her for years. Even when he doesn't want to.
So I, in my eagerness, pulled out the deck and did a reading for him right there in the restaurant. Erotic cards and all. . .
So, if you haven't noticed by now I'm using the Decameron Tarot. It's got an enjoyable number of pervy images. I love this deck. Love. No question on that at all. I also like 'peeping' at other people using this deck.
A number of online reviews on this deck are based on the fact that it has too much of the 'wrong' images, or too few of the 'wrong' images or the wrong 'wrong' images. Go figure.
This is how I look at it: sex is just surface. Yeah, most of us key to sex. There are a few of us who don't and who, for the life of them, will never be able to understand why the sexual act is so import. Oh, the numbers of way physical intimacy is so, very important!
And not just on an evolutionary sense.
So I like to 'peep' at people using the cards. I generally tell them at first. I even had a hilarious conversation with Poppa_Steve on twitter about when I perve through Tarot. He wanted it right then. *Smirk* I wrote back,
"I can't do it now. You're expecting it. You have to wait! But you'll be my first after L'Imperatore! *Wink*'.
Yeah, as you can guess it's no fun Tarot Perving on someone who is expecting it.
Speaking of expecting it I did a reading with the Decameron Tarot for L'Imperatore. I mean, not an exploratory reading where I keep what comes up to myself. I mean a reading sitting across from L'Imperatore himself. Boyo, was that a mistake!
On the way to breakfast I asked L'Imperatore if he thought himself a violent man. His response was not as expected, and went against everything we'd spent the last decade discussing and/or hinting around in bed play as well as rememberences. L'Imperatore said no. No he did not think he was a violent man.
It's not my place to point out what I knew of him. His violence, you see, was never put out there in his physical realm. He'd never knowingly hurt a fly. But such is the strangeness of a man subjugated to a mother and sisters who wished him to be as polite, refined, and of as delicate sensibilities as they were. They might as well dressed him in lace and castrated him in the physical.
L'Imperatore's dreams are quite a bit darker than they could have feared. My imagination, though, does me quite well to remember that his observed nature is not towards violence, was never suffered for violence. But underneath the charming politeness, puns and laugh-for-every minute storyteller is a man who wishes to be a perverse and dark lord. So deep is that wish, that desire buried that when it surfaces it scares him. And now . . . and now he is trying to convince himself those days are behind him.
Layout: 6 Card Spread Question: Who the F**k is the Knight of Coin (R)???
How the Knight of Coin (R) Feels about His Life Right Now:
The Hanged Woman: Short-lived love.The suitors deceive themselves into thinking that their prey is all theirs, unless they are happy with fleeting pleasure.
My Thoughts: This is an interesting card to pull. It says the Knight of Coins (R) is focused on an intimate life. What it still doesn't tell me is if this person is real or imagined. There are two lovers in this card. So maybe one of each?
What the Knight of Coin (R) Most Wants At This Moment:
10 of Wands: Uncertainty in managing the relationship.Indiscretion.Tiredness.
My Thoughts: This should be a confusing card to pull, but for some reason it started up a thought in the back of my head. First thing is that the physicality of the card shows an uncertainty in bed. Meaning that the partners may be into a certain amount of natural kink, they're not necessarily compatable together. Too many arms and legs and the question is who is in control. And, of course, that made me sit up. This card, factored in with the Knight of Coin (R), suddenly made me quite suspicious that I knew who this is.
The Knight of Coin (R)'s Fears:
2 of Wands: Shyness.Reserve.First experience.
My Thoughts: And just when I thought I have an idea of who the Knight of Coin (R) is, this card pops up and scatters it all. I mean, the person I thought it was is certainly no innocent. He's got as much screwy with his erotic self as I do. This is certianly a head scratcher!
What Is Going For The Knight of Coin (R):
King of Wands: Represents absolute power without questioning.The weakest partner must succumb.
My Thoughts: And here it is. I know exactly who this is in my life. And I know now exactly how and why the Knight of Coin (R) came up for this person. Yes, he's a real live living person. And yes he's quite a physical presence in my life. So let's see the rest of his reading, shall we?
What is Going Against the Knight of Coin (R):
The Lovers: If you have the joy of winning the favor of a young woman, or man, don’t be reticent but rather offer real proof of your passion.
My Thoughts: Considering who this is in my life, this card is not at all a surprise. The person this represents is someone who cannot bridge the understanding that you can't buy my love (although the trinkets are nice) and that what I want from him is not a material good, but physical. This is, regretfully, the opposite of what every other lover is this man's life has wanted, especially considering he's not built like The Fool.
The Outcome for The Knight of Coin (R):
8 of Swords: React to adversity.Self-confidence.Do not give up.Tiredness.
My Thoughts: Interesting to find tiredness rearing its head again. When I think of who the Knight of Coin (R) is, I do think he's a tired man. This is all mental anyways. But it makes sense. I'm quite certain I know who this person is, and their position in my life is a very powerful one. Now I just need to talk to him, find out if he wants to know about this reading.
One of the things I do when I can't get a handle on a fictional lover, or tarot card, I imagine myself naked in bed with the person. The trouble I had with Knight of Coin (R) is that no matter how I tried to picture the personality of Knight of Coin (R) I came up with a big blank. It was like I was looking at someone so very close to me and so very very far away. Someone I knew - but on the surface only.
This is what it looks like when the card representing me and the card representing ??? are in bed with each other:
Are you as unimpressed as I am? Because, frankly, when I was doing my reading I just couldn't figure out who the hell Knight of Coins (R) was. I am The Stars (R), someone who is undergoing a mental transformation of my sexual self moving towards full power of my feminine body. To my thinking the Knight of Coin (R) is a formerly violent man who gave it all up for love. I don't know any male with a violent past, or a violent inside.
I just so had to do a reading with the Knight of Coin (R). I had to know who this is. The answer really surprised me.